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If you do not write, is because all I can say would be too obvious. I feel to be discovering something new, but was new to me. I see that my life is like millions of other lives, which is nothing extraordinary. I am a tiny grain of sand on an endless beach. Is that maturity?

But, drawing, drawing not something new. I look at the world and drawing what I see. No need to invent anything more, I love what it is. I do not feel the need to show inside, if the outside world is so interesting. Instead, what I want is to internalize the external seize a moment of reality, her through my eyes and my brain, recreate with my hands. So I can approach the world and touch. I can not say that would help me understand, but accept and to love each other. That's the way of how I relate to the world.

long been drawing the Christ, Virgin and Saints and I can not explain very well, since I am not Christian and do not know if I believe in God. But now I see much clearer. Not because I identify with the Saints, his divine qualities, or that attracts me suffering. No. I like the image as such, I know where is the force that attracts so many people, the force that makes them and worship and dear. I wonder why it happens just with these images, and not with others. And if re-drawing the icons of Saints Peruvians, it is because I want to approach people I do feel the force they generate, and whether I am also able to feel and even create it.

may now think I'm stupid, that this force is nothing more than faith, and that is not in the pictures but in ourselves. We put ourselves which we force them to fulfill our desires. And yes, in fact has much to do. But I insisito that something must have the image. Something that makes people stare and think about things that do not see, behind ...

If you do not write, does not mean that drawing. But sometimes drawing, and I feel like a grain of sand ...

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Grain of sand Where we come ... I rough


Image: Petr Malina

During my trip to Sweden three times I took the boat. Two Swedish ships were sometimes back and took a German ship that was to Rostock. The difference was amazing.

In Sweden I found as a very pleasant, neat and clean, and the Swedes as very kind, happy and well educated. Despite the harsh climate and a very short summer the Swedes are among the happiest people in the world. For our young democracy Czech Scandinavia have always served as an example of how a small country can operate within a community as large as the European.
The first two trips in the Swedish ships were welcome. People enjoyed the board the sun and did not care, strong wind. In the cafeteria quietly waiting in the queue, and the staff treated everyone with kindness and all spoke English. It was really easy to get used to that.

Rostock on the boat did was different. Most passengers were Swedish, but people in Eastern Europe, Germans, the Ukraine, Russia, Bulgaria, Slovakia ... and Czech Republic. Many of them were drivers of trucks or workers. And suddenly, after seeing the Swedish acostubrarme well dressed, athletes, healthy and well nourished, I was shocked to see people from "other Europe", worn, fat, bald, with dark circles, smelly and old clothes ... But not only was appearance but also the behavior. People came running to the cafeteria, colliding with each other, personnel forward and shouted in Russian (or whatever), knowing that they were German, and eagerly taking a quantity of food that could not be eaten.
I said, welcome home! and I felt a mixture of shame and sadness at the thought that's how we see the Swedes (German, French, English ..) also for us. In other words, is the world that I belong. A world that still was not sure where to go or who can walk well.

But then, to ask that another country would be born if given the chance to choose, I realized I did not find a better alternative. I am happy to be born in the place and time where I was born. I like the point from which I can see the world, the point has shaped me for who I am today. It seems more than perfect to have been born under communism, live in it just enough to remember the sadness and emptiness in which people learned to live, and it has collapsed just as I started to become aware. I could study and in an era of greater justice and freedom, I've lived through the change, I've seen how democracy was born and how hard is learning not ever neglect it.

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Sometimes I do not recognize. I'm not that be. And which is one of the periods of transformation in which I no longer enough to be who I am. Recently I discovered that women are going transformed from a time of life to another, redefined with every role that I have to represent. As a tadpole loses its wings to become a frog, she also loses something of themselves during the process of becoming a lover, partner, wife ... mother. So far I am not clear how that works to transform. Many times I see women on the street and wonder as they were when they were twenty, and where those girls are gone.

Recently the issue of motherhood is attacking me from all sides. So tired ... I have the opportunity to observe as women are turning around. Gradually lost almost all the friends I had. It sounds hard but it's a bit like that. Have become mothers despite having / is certain that nothing will change ("If you talk about diapers, I stop ahead!") Conversations that we are not now before. I look like the friend who can talk about other issues, not just their children but as they do not go away. And I do not stop when I speak of "diapers" because it seems unfair. I hear them, but it's as if I spoke the other side of river.

a woman may now seem anti-child. But this is not. Children have always liked and it seems that I liked too. I love spending time with my nephews or other children, enjoy the possibility of fond of children who are not mine. I think being a mother hardly feel it. I do not think that becoming a mother the world ends. But as I see, is quite different. I never had doubts about whether being a mother, but I think I have fear of losing my fins.

So I find it hard to identify with the woman I am now. I feel trapped in time, a tadpole from the water pretending to keep swimming but dying with every breath. I feel that I can not continue. Need to get a new being, one who can breathe the air without choking. I do not know how to ...